I had never given a eulogy before. I don't think, on our lists of first experiences, that's one that we're all eager to add. My las deployment (2006-2007) was . . . simple; very straight forward really, and happily we didn't lose any of the soldiers in my platoon. I remember that most people in the US barely even knew that we were fighting a war in Afghanistan; all the focus was on Iraq. To be fair, Iraq was much more dangerous at the time; there were far more casualties there than there were in Afghanistan.

This year, by comparison, has been horrific. I was 20 years old when those planes crashed into the World Trade Center. I remember getting the call at my apartment and going to the campus commons to watch the news reports. I remember the atmosphere and the general sense of . . terror in the room. One month later I was standing as close as you could get at the time to ground zero. I went to a concert that night at Madison Square and the room was charged with the feelings of tens of thousands of Americans, the horror so fresh in our minds; anger, grief, sadness, confusion. A month after that I was there again; ash and dust still hanging in the air while we stood in front of the fence to read the letters to the fallen. My point is that I was an adult, albeit a very naive one, when all this was happening. I could understand to a degree; I could feel that anger toward the people that had done this. I was old enough to want to protect the people I love and fight back against. . . whatever you want to call it. Four years later, when I joined an army already at war, I understood the reasons for being at war, I could personalize it.

Two soldiers in my platoon lost their lives this deployment; four in the company. One in my squad, a man that I was personally responsible for. Along with the many others sent home with terribly injuries is another young man that I was responsible for, now missing both of his legs and one of his arms. Ryan was 26 at the time of his death, old enough that he probably remembers quite clearly September 11. Tyler was 18, right next to me when the IED that killed him went off. Kevin was 18 when the same blast the killed Ryan Cook took his legs and arm. I still question whether or not they really had an idea what it was we were trying to accomplish. I don't always understand anymore, myself.

I gave a short eulogy at Ryan's memorial service, one of a few people that spoke. Words are important; memories, thoughts. . . Once upon a time I probably believed that the dead were still able to hear us in their afterlife. Now I think the words, the memories, are for those of us who remain behind. It's important not to forget, to honor a person as much as we're able. I don't know why it's important but it's one of those things in life that I just know. . . and that's good because I'm short on certainty lately.

RIP Ryan Cook KIA 18 September 2011

Tyler Springman KIA 17 July 2011

Kenneth Elwell KIA 17 July 2011

Rodolfo Rodriguez KIA 16 September 2011

I've been in love with two women in thirty years. . . I've said it to more women than that; that's one of the things about being in love, I guess; did you really love her? didn't you? Love and. . . almost love. It's like trying to tell identical twins apart sometimes. I guess generally you get caught up in a moment and you say it because that's what you're feeling and then once you've said it, then it's out there and it coasts along on its own for a while. Sometimes it's not until afterward, sometimes a long time afterward, that you know whether it was real or not. I've observed this year that the only way we have to measure how much we love a person is by how much grief we feel when they're gone.

Six years after breaking off contact with her completely, I still think about the first girl I fell in love with. We always think that the hardest thing is loving someone when they don't feel the same way in return. It's awful, isn't it? That feeling your chest or the pit of your stomach when you think about that person; feeling like your world is going to fall apart because you know they'll never feel the same way that you feel about them. But it isn't the worst. The worst thing is feeling that way about someone, and knowing that they feel the same way - and you know it because of the way things are when you're with them - but having to sit by day after day while they refuse to acknowledge it. That's how it was my first time around. It got better when I left home to join the army, but I was still so invested in this girl. . . she had such a hold over me. Like being jerked around on a string and it's a wonder to think that I didn't give it up sooner for a lost cause. I suppose Hollywood gave me unrealistic expectations about love.

So finally I turned the other way. I don't know when exactly it was, but sometime around this event in my life, that I stopped trying for a meaningful relationship and started to focus on sex. . . which, I'll admit, was really great for a time. I might not ever use the word fulfilling to describe those years but they were certainly entertaining. I, being already practiced in keeping my emotions tamped down, was learning how to hide the better part of myself from the majority of the people in my life, to include my family and most of my friends. I used to to think there was nothing really wrong with that. I keep to feelings to myself, no one really gets hurt. . . because being invested in another person means that you can get hurt; someone reminded me of that recently. So I didn't have relationships with women. Pleasure was my number one priority. If I happened to find someone that felt the same way then that was good, it was easy and clean. If they didn't then that was too bad but it was my feelings that I was worried about, not theirs.

Five after that first episode with love, I fell in love again. It was never supposed to happen that way but things sneak up on you I guess. You start spending extra time with someone because the sex is good but it's casual and that's agreeable to both sides. Then a. . . bond develops over time because you start spending time together not having sex. You start thinking about that person if you have something exciting happen or you have something terrible happen and then for no reason at all. And now you realize that this person, who you weren't supposed to get very attached to is your best friend. There's a fine line from that realization to deciding that you're in love with someone. I had missed all the warning signs and was now, once again in love with someone who felt exactly the same way, but couldn't or wouldn't do anything about it. The day I left that town, I had resigned myself to the idea that we just weren't meant to get a shot.

If you're going to ask for the ball then you have to catch it when it's thrown to you. I did not do a good job of that. I realize now, about a year too late, that I never really learned how to put the two together; sex and love that is. Really I never bothered to reflect, or ask, or do anything, to see if I was still capable of loving someone that way before I jumped in. It's a little scary when someone loves you and wants you that much. I remember multiple sermons during my time in Campus Crusade for Christ, while I was still wildly idealistic about the way the world works, about relationships and how one person shouldn't be the center of another person's life. Like a lot of things that I remember from back then, that now seems like it might not be 100% accurate. That's what being in love is, right? Every world, actual and figurative, has to have a center. Something that it orbits around, something that holds it in place. Otherwise that world would just float around in space, colliding with other worlds.

I lost someone. Entirely my fault, which for me makes it about a hundred times worse. Hindsight is like a punch to the gut sometimes, being able to see that there were so many opportunities to change an outcome if you'd just been willing to try. I lost someone. It's almost like I had two separate people, one who makes plans for the future with the woman they love and one who still wants there to be other possibilities, warring in my head. I'm not sure when in my life I started to let my integrity slide. I know it happens slowly, over time, you start to make exceptions for yourself. It's a big sacrifice to make, though, and since I can't even identify what I might have gotten in return for said sacrifice, and since I'm now sitting here lamenting, I sincerely doubt that it was worth the trade off. I lost someone and to that individual I want to say that I'm more profoundly sorry than you could know. It's my loss.

People might read this and people might not (it'll definitely be one of the two of those). I hope now to learn and to do better in the future; to be better. Hope is important and I believe that it springs being able to better ourselves; to change ourselves into people of greater character. I guess, if it ends up that we eventually have to give up on a dream, that our best hope is that we become better in the process of chasing it.

The Resolutions We Make

So another year came and went, ostensibly as I turned my head away for what seemed only a moment, distracted once again by something shiny in my peripheral vision. Anyone else ever feel that way? I get distracted too easily by so many things that really aren't very significant when you take a look at the big picture. Looking back on 2008, what are we using to judge whether or not it was a good year. Did we accomplish all of your goals? Did we meet the man/woman of our dreams? Finally get that job/promotion we wanted? Move to a new location? Get your heart shit on somehow (that probably applies to all of us at one point or another during the year)? Did you manage to keep even ONE of your New Years resolutions from last year? Are we better people at the end of this year than at the beginning? Did we learn something about life?

Undoubtedly most of you reading this, if anyone still does read this, will have made a New Years resolution of some sort or another practically every year since we were old enough to understand the concept. Maybe not because you have any intention of actually trying to change, but because it's fun to talk about at parties. Some of my more favorite past resolutions include gaining weight, being more assertive, running a marathon (didn't happen). Some people want to lose weight, other people want to start working out more; maybe you want to finally buy a house or talk to that guy/girl you've always had a crush on but were too afraid to ever even think about having an intelligent conversation with. I'm not honestly sure why people do it anymore. I have a feeling though that it has to do, mainly, with what I call the "If only. . ." complex.

I'm guilty of it. It occurs when we say things to ourselves along the lines of, "If only I can just . . . " fill in the blank. If only I can just get that raise all my trouble will be over. If only he or she would see that we're perfect for one another I think I'd be really happy in life. The idea is that there's a magical circumstance in our lives, something that's just not working out for us at the moment, that we could change and life would suddenly be perfect. We're not thin enough, we're not pretty enough, we're not successful enough but if this one thing would just finally happen, we would be.

Well it's a nice idea and let's give ourselves plenty of points for idealism, I'm just not convinced it has any basis in reality. Don't misunderstand me, I believe it's important to set goals, be optimistic, have hope. It's also really important to know what said goals are going to accomplish. If you want to start working out because your goal is to become healthier, do it. But once you're healthier don't start wondering why that alone didn't make all the pieces of your life come together.

All of this is starting to look kind of negative as I'm reading back over it and my intention for the New Year was to write something mildly inspirational so don't stop reading, we're almost there. What do we do about this syndrome? Maybe we're asking ourselves the wrong questions. Occasionally in my life, I meet people who actually bother to ask me about it, and one of my favorite questions is whether or not I ever wish I was back in Afghanistan. Kind of a no-brainer, right? I mean, who honestly wants to be in an active combat zone? It's hellish, it really is, and Afghanistan wasn't even that bad I don't think. But I'll say this for it: Life was simpler. There aren't all of these little things to distract you i.e. "I've got too many bills" "I don't have enough time for all of this" "why doesn't that girl like me?" tvs, internet, movies, women, work, money problems, debt, payments, clothes. I get bogged down with all of this stuff so easily. They're the wrong details to be focusing on, I'm sure of it.

Maybe we're not asking ourselves the right questions. Maybe we're getting so distracted by the things we see in the corners of our eyes that we forget about the important things. In the year 2008, did I laugh enough? Love enough? Live enough? So I suggest an alternatve resolution for everyone this year. One of the many meanings of the word resolve is to decide FIRMLY on a course of action. So let us resolve this. Let us resolve to allow ourselves to live up to our full potential. I'm a little bit cynical, I've allowed life to push me to that kind of mind frame but I still believe that amazing things are possible. More importantly, I still believe that people - that you and I - are capable of amazing thing; that we have the potential for greatness; the potential to do something great, extraordinary, momentous with our lives. I'm no longer so certain as I was in college - i've allowed more reason into my head and reason, unfortunately, doesn't yield as many answers as blind faith - but I am certain that we are not meant to live this life in mundane fashion. But for some reason we continue to allow it. We are either too distracted by all of those other things to see the opportunities we're confronted with, or we're too scared to grab hold and follow where it leads.

John Steinbeck writes in his book East of Eden ,"Sometimes a kind of glory lights up the mind of a man. It happens to nearly everyone. You can feel it growing or preparing like a fuse burning toward dynamite. It is a feeling in the stomach, a delight of the nerves, of the forearms. The skin tastes the air, and every deep-drawn breath is sweet. Its beginning has the pleasure of a great stretching yawn; it flashes in the brain and the whole world glows outside your eyes. A man may have lived all his life in the gray, and the land and trees of him dark and somber. The events, even the important ones, may have trooped by faceless and pale. And then—the glory—so that a cricket song sweetens the ears, the smell of the earth rises chanting to his nose, and dappling light under a tree blesses his eyes. Then a man pours outward, a torrent of him, and yet he is not diminished…" Be on the lookout, people. This year resolve not to let those moments sweep by you because we may only have just a very few chances in life.

the loneliest number

I spent four years, give or take, at Miami University being involved heavily with Campus Crusade for Christ. And during that time, I learned any number of things that I've since left by the wayside, having judged them to be unhelpful in living life in the world outside of Miami University. It's possible that we may return to a discussion of what some of those things are at a later time but today is about applicable information.

One thing that I learned that I still believe to be true, absolutely and without question, is that human beings, were created (which I also still believe) to be together. In fact, I think it's possible that every created thing was meant to have it's partner. I'm not talking about boyfriends and girlfriends, or husbands and wives, or romance or sex. I'm just talking about having someone or something around to relate to, to be in a relationship with.

I live in a lonely place and I lead a lonely life. I'm a Sergeant in the United States Army, living in upstate New York, in a place that may never have been meant to support human life. I spent 16 months in a combat zone in Afghanistan. My best friend only lives six hours away but it's certainly too far to spend very much time together. And thus far the only people up here that seem to be willing to talk to me much are the guys that I work with, who I generally try to steer clear of in social situations for various reasons.

I don't say all of this for pity or sympathy or any reaction of any kind from anyone. The background information was only meant to make illustrate my point. We need other people. I've rebelled against that idea for most of my life but there's really no getting around it. I often joke and say that I either want to find girlfriend or get a new puppy. I'm almost certain that the puppy would make for a much simpler life but people need people. I have a whole host of thoughts, and sometimes even feelings, that often find no outlet other than this computer screen.

It was John Donne who said, "No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee." So I hope now that, if anyone still reads this blog, we can constantly remind ourselves not to take the people in our lives for granted or any person anywhere.

Homeward Bound

So I've come out of Afghanistan and back in to the real world again. . . . Or maybe I'm out of Afghanistan and taking a break from the real world for a little while. In either case I'm back in the United States again and, so far, loving every minute. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't very, very strange trying to reintegrate myself into "polite society", such as it is, and at time also very difficult. I'm still nervous around crowds, loud noises make me jump, I look at almost everyone I see distrustfully, I'm more prone to violence than the person who left here 16 months ago, and there are some nights where I just can't sleep worth a damn. I've been, at least, a little uncomfortable almost everywhere I've been in the last week and a half, with almost everyone I've hung out with. Almost everyone.

So what's the fix? Does time make it go away? Surround myself with people who make me feel happy and safe? There aren't too many of those people around. The good news is that I'm normal. So said the Chaplain before we left Afghanistan. Apparently everyone experiences post traumatic stress. So as long as I don't fly off the handle and kill someone in cold blood with my bare hands, we don't have to worry. One week and change and things already feel like they're going do fast. Some good, some bad but all very, very fast. Nothing is ever easy.

All that being said, I really am thrilled to be back. New car, new computer, met a girl, leg is almost healed, saw my best friend, played volleyball, got pretty intoxicated the other night, had a great weekend and planning on doing it all again this weekend. Having fun that is.

The Extension, The Final Four, Falling Down

I had to back date this entry so everything would be in the right order. Mike was kind enough to yell at me for not updating my Blog in like a year so, even though, everyone pretty much knows the story here it comes again. I'm not even confident anyone is still reading this page due to the fact that I'm so bad at keeping it refreshed. Circa the first week in January of 2007, my platoon, along with the rest of our Battalion, prepared to return to the United States after a year long deployment in Afghanistan. So let's get some perspective first. I don't know that I was ready to come back yet. Don't get me wrong, I didn't exactly enjoy being in Afghanistan by any means, but I also didn't really feel I had anything to look forward to in coming back to the states. Every time someone asked me the question, "what are you looking forward to most about coming back?" "what's the first thing you're going to do when you get back?" and I never had a halfway decent answer. I wasn't as excited as I should have been.

Well the time finally came for us to depart Mehtar Lam, we tried to load ourselves and all of our stuff onto one CH-47 and one Blackhawk Helicopter. Well the CH-47 broke down. Fortunately we were on the ground at the time. THen the Blackhawk broke down. SO we got off and waited. They sent two more Blackhawks, myself and ten other people got on, leaving the rest of our platoon behind. We flew to Bagram and stayed the night. THe next day we flew back to Mehtar Lam and picked up the rest of our platoon and flew to Sharana. We stayed the night there and then flew from Sharana to Bagram, waiting to get on a plane to start flying home. The same day that we were supposed to leave for Kuwait we received the news about our extension. We flew from Bagram to Sharana and from Sharana back to Mehtar Lam. Sounds exciting right?

Well I guess the four months following that went by pretty quick. Mostly the same old stuff. We weren't getting shot at as much, which is good. We did some air assault missions with another battalion. I fell down the side of a mountain and hurt my leg pretty badly and spent the rest of the deployment at Bagram. Which brings us up to present day, and going back to the states again. But this time I'm ready. Though I'm still not sure what it is that I'm looking forward to. Maybe getting a chance to experience a little bit of the freedom that I'm over here trying to protect. I know that if I never see Afghanistan again, I'm totally fine with that. But that's not very likely.

The Lost Platoon

Today started out looking like it might turn out pretty well. I woke up a little later than usual at about 7. It was raining, which, on the face of things, might seem like a negative but it meant that helicopters would be grounded and that our mission would be canceled for the day which in turn meant that I could take a nap after breakfast. I was also anticipating the arrival of a large quantity of mail for my platoon. We had not received any mail since we were told about our extension so, naturally, we were all quite excited about the prospect.

Let's get some background on what's been going on with us over here, before I go any further. We're on our own out here. Since the day of our arrival in this country, thirteen months ago, we've been separated from our company and our battalion, left to our own devices, and working for one National Guard unit or another. As a result of this we're often left, "swinging in the wind" as they say. For example, until recently, none of our faces appeared in the company yearbook, which we were all being pressured to buy anyway. As a result of this we're often late in things like getting our mail and knowing what's going on.

Therefore, when the truck arrived carrying all the mail for this FOB, ours wasn't on it. As a result of this, it is unlikely that I will see any of that mail until the end of March when I come back from the field. Thanks to all the people that tried though.

My Extension in Afghanistan

On January 20, 2007 my platoon was scheduled to fly from our For here at Mehtar Lam to FOB Sherona so that we could do all things necessary for us to fly out of this country. They showed up without enough helicopter space to fit us all in so I instead flew to Bagram Air Field with ten other guys from my platoon. We stayed the night. The next day we flew back to Mehtar Lam to pick up the rest of the platoon and then continued on to Sherona. We turned in our ammo and armor plates and proceeded to wait for our flight to Kuwait. Instead we flew to Bagram Air Field to wait for a flight to Kuwait. ON the 25th of January, the day we were supposed to fly out, we got the news that we were being extended for AT LEAST four more months. Four days later we flew from Bagram to Sherona picked up our ammo and our plates and two days ago we flew from Sherona to Mehtar Lam which is when things finally set in for me that I won't be coming back to the states.

I guess in order for me to see how much I really was looking forward to coming back, I needed to have it stripped away from me all of a sudden. Even with very little to look forward to back in the states, I would much rather be there than here. So if/when I come back, what I look forward to is seeing all of you.

One of the most difficult things about being in the military, for me, is that none of the people I work with see to have any belief in the idea of virtue. They just can't wrap their heads around the idea that someone might choose to do something that goes against what our minds and bodies want just because they feel it isn't right. For example, most of the guys don't seem to understand my reasoning behind not drinking. Even more to the point no one seems to understand any kind of reasoning behind waiting for marriage to have sex. And when I try to tell them that I know hundreds of people and have many friends doing just that, they refuse to believe it. In their minds neither men nor women are even capable of doing something that runs so contrary to their desires; no one could possibly be choosing righteousness over pleasure. Even those of them with a basic understanding of Christianity, and even those who say they know Jesus seem to be incapable of believing in the phenomenon of virtue. The hard part comes in trying not to let that affect the way I look at the world. It's a battle I'm not always sure that I'm winning.

More and more often these days I have such a feeling of unrest that persists deep down inside me. And I can neither identify the source nor find a way to put it to rest. My surroundings offer me very little outlet for any of the things going on inside my head. I also admit to a sense of . . resignation; a pervading feeling that, having decided my future for at least the next four years, everything else I've ever wanted for my life will be forever out of reach. At this time I feel it is necessary to address those of you who would seek to allay my doubts by saying something that you think might be encouraging. Probably something about God being in control and His plan being ultimate. So let me make a preemptive strike against all that by saying that I"m already aware of all this and I believe it to be true as well. What can I say? Emotion, which I've been accused of having too little of or keeping too much to myself, is rarely a rational thing that will pay attention to the more reasonable arguments of truth. There need be no response nor any conversation concerning any of this, and I don't look for either. THis is me trying to not keep things on the inside as much.

The Afghanistan Beat: Reflections on God in third world countries

I realize that it has, in fact, been some time since I've made any attempt at updating my blog. It's occasionally hard for me to find the motivation over here, even if I have time in ample amounts. I suppose I've gone through a stage where I just don't feel that I have a whole lot to say of any value but hopefully this will land me a pat on the back for a good attempt. I regret that I'm not able to put up any pictures at this time because I'm unable to download the necessary program. If anyone knows a way around that, let me know.

I've been in country for a month and change and I've had the chance to do any number of things you don't get to do in the US; climbing mountains, sitting down on the ground and eating strange food with my hands surrounded by people who don't understand anything I say and vice versa, blow up a building, pass out candy and muffins to dozens of children. Amidst all that, and not having done really anything that I'm actually trained to do, which upon reflection really isn't anything extremely pleasant, I find my faith having somehow been rekindled. A little background on me:

I've been a Christian, or a follower of Christ, or whatever you'd like to call it for ten years. Sometime after enlisting in the military that part of my life started to dwindle, slowly but surely. Whether that's because of the lack of fellowship to be found at my current duty station, or something else I don't know. BUt my relationship with Jesus floundered for some time after I moved to New York. And because of that I made mistakes that seriously affected my well being. And I'd suddenly become a person that I didn't want to be.

I'd like to think that things were on the upswing before I ever set foot in Afghanistan; that recent talks with my best friend had helped to relieve me of some of the burden I was carrying around. And since being here a series of events and revelations have sufficed to help me realize certain things. I pray that you're reading this because it's possible that some of this may help you as well.

I'm not alone. Obviously, right? Well, I spent almost two years at Fort Drum thinking exactly that. Surrounded by people, men and women, that are so completely caught up in doing whatever feels good with no regard for consequences of any kind; relegated to making phone calls and infrequent e-mail correspondance to have any kind of meaningful conversation, and spending most of my evenings by myself because the available company didn't suit me. Don't get me wrong, I love the men that I work with, I care deeply about their welfare and I by no means consider myself better than any one of them. A bond certainly exists between us but it's a bond that fulfills very few of my needs. I had resigned myself to feeling this way for the bulk of my military career until I met someone similar to myself, who carries the same values and also happens to be in the military. Wherever you are in life, there's somebody somewhere that knows what you're going through.

God is God. What does that mean practically? Well, I think that it means that all my stupidity - my frequent lack of faith or even belief, my mistakes, my apathy - is covered. It may, in fact, not matter at all what I do. Let me make it clear that I'm not talking about having free reign to do whatever we want. As a wise friend of mine once said to me, "We don't have the right to be Christians any way that we want to, " but I"m almost sure I read somewhere that He chooses not to forsake us. I'm confident, confidence having once upon a time been one of my definining characteristics, that no matter what it is that I've done, He'll allow me back into the fold. And I genuinely love Him for that.

I'm not God. Oh! I get angry with myself when I go through seasons where my passion for life, for anything for that matter, seems to go away. This has been such a season and hopefully the light that I"m seeing is the end of the tunnel and not an oncoming tour bus. But we can't be expected, and I'm pretty sure that we're not, to maintain such zealot like fervor for all of our earthly lives. I would dearly love to be passionate all day every day for the rest of my life. That's a lot of pressure though. Let us focus, and by focus I mean be actively attempt, instead on finding out who God is. Donald Miller writes these words: The path to joy lies through this dark valley (paraphrase as I don't have the book by my side).

This represents all I know at the moment. It seems possible to me at this juncture that the more I know, the more complicated things become. I may have read something along those lines once upon a time as well. I"m really impressed if you all make it through this entry. Much love.

 

Leavin On A Jet Plane

Well it's that time everyone. Friday, at some point or another, I will board a plane, rifle in hand with 100 of my brothers in arms and fly to War. My opinions and thoughts on this war or any war have been asked time and again. "Why did you enlist now of all times?" "Do you agree with the war in Iraq and Afghanistan?" "How do you justify going to war and being a christian?" To answer all these questions and whatever others might arise in your minds I submit this:

Somebody has to go. Armies must be as long as War exists. And exist it does. For whatever reason, though it may seem completely irrational and senseless, it happens. There are many, perhaps even some reading this, that might say or think that some other solution could be found. Sometimes I wish I could believe that and so join the ranks of the innocent. Because while those people don't live in a less dangerous world, perhaps they're happier for not knowing how dangerous the world is. AS JRR Tolkien once wrote, "I do not love the sword for it's brightness, nor the arrow for it's swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend." And ultimately love is the the reason I do what I do.

So here's to love, and hopefully it will bring me back to you safely and soon.