More and more often these days I have such a feeling of unrest that persists deep down inside me. And I can neither identify the source nor find a way to put it to rest. My surroundings offer me very little outlet for any of the things going on inside my head. I also admit to a sense of . . resignation; a pervading feeling that, having decided my future for at least the next four years, everything else I've ever wanted for my life will be forever out of reach. At this time I feel it is necessary to address those of you who would seek to allay my doubts by saying something that you think might be encouraging. Probably something about God being in control and His plan being ultimate. So let me make a preemptive strike against all that by saying that I"m already aware of all this and I believe it to be true as well. What can I say? Emotion, which I've been accused of having too little of or keeping too much to myself, is rarely a rational thing that will pay attention to the more reasonable arguments of truth. There need be no response nor any conversation concerning any of this, and I don't look for either. THis is me trying to not keep things on the inside as much.

The Afghanistan Beat: Reflections on God in third world countries

I realize that it has, in fact, been some time since I've made any attempt at updating my blog. It's occasionally hard for me to find the motivation over here, even if I have time in ample amounts. I suppose I've gone through a stage where I just don't feel that I have a whole lot to say of any value but hopefully this will land me a pat on the back for a good attempt. I regret that I'm not able to put up any pictures at this time because I'm unable to download the necessary program. If anyone knows a way around that, let me know.

I've been in country for a month and change and I've had the chance to do any number of things you don't get to do in the US; climbing mountains, sitting down on the ground and eating strange food with my hands surrounded by people who don't understand anything I say and vice versa, blow up a building, pass out candy and muffins to dozens of children. Amidst all that, and not having done really anything that I'm actually trained to do, which upon reflection really isn't anything extremely pleasant, I find my faith having somehow been rekindled. A little background on me:

I've been a Christian, or a follower of Christ, or whatever you'd like to call it for ten years. Sometime after enlisting in the military that part of my life started to dwindle, slowly but surely. Whether that's because of the lack of fellowship to be found at my current duty station, or something else I don't know. BUt my relationship with Jesus floundered for some time after I moved to New York. And because of that I made mistakes that seriously affected my well being. And I'd suddenly become a person that I didn't want to be.

I'd like to think that things were on the upswing before I ever set foot in Afghanistan; that recent talks with my best friend had helped to relieve me of some of the burden I was carrying around. And since being here a series of events and revelations have sufficed to help me realize certain things. I pray that you're reading this because it's possible that some of this may help you as well.

I'm not alone. Obviously, right? Well, I spent almost two years at Fort Drum thinking exactly that. Surrounded by people, men and women, that are so completely caught up in doing whatever feels good with no regard for consequences of any kind; relegated to making phone calls and infrequent e-mail correspondance to have any kind of meaningful conversation, and spending most of my evenings by myself because the available company didn't suit me. Don't get me wrong, I love the men that I work with, I care deeply about their welfare and I by no means consider myself better than any one of them. A bond certainly exists between us but it's a bond that fulfills very few of my needs. I had resigned myself to feeling this way for the bulk of my military career until I met someone similar to myself, who carries the same values and also happens to be in the military. Wherever you are in life, there's somebody somewhere that knows what you're going through.

God is God. What does that mean practically? Well, I think that it means that all my stupidity - my frequent lack of faith or even belief, my mistakes, my apathy - is covered. It may, in fact, not matter at all what I do. Let me make it clear that I'm not talking about having free reign to do whatever we want. As a wise friend of mine once said to me, "We don't have the right to be Christians any way that we want to, " but I"m almost sure I read somewhere that He chooses not to forsake us. I'm confident, confidence having once upon a time been one of my definining characteristics, that no matter what it is that I've done, He'll allow me back into the fold. And I genuinely love Him for that.

I'm not God. Oh! I get angry with myself when I go through seasons where my passion for life, for anything for that matter, seems to go away. This has been such a season and hopefully the light that I"m seeing is the end of the tunnel and not an oncoming tour bus. But we can't be expected, and I'm pretty sure that we're not, to maintain such zealot like fervor for all of our earthly lives. I would dearly love to be passionate all day every day for the rest of my life. That's a lot of pressure though. Let us focus, and by focus I mean be actively attempt, instead on finding out who God is. Donald Miller writes these words: The path to joy lies through this dark valley (paraphrase as I don't have the book by my side).

This represents all I know at the moment. It seems possible to me at this juncture that the more I know, the more complicated things become. I may have read something along those lines once upon a time as well. I"m really impressed if you all make it through this entry. Much love.