My most recent promotion, to corporal, leaves me in the position of a Team Leader in an infantry line squad. This means I have three other men, all younger than me in this instance, under my direct command. Command means they do what I say, when I say it. This is the most terrifying responsiblity I can imagine.

Today I had to stand in front of one of these men and cut the rank off his collar, taking something from him that he'd worked for nearly two years to earn, enduring the look on his face with an expression of utter discompassion on mine. Those of you not in the military, which if I'm not mistaken is practically all of you, probably can't understand the sheer humiliation of having your rank taken away from you. We take a lot of pride in what we do. Whether that's healthy or not, sometimes that pride, in ourselves, our countries, and our duty, is the only thing that keeps us going. Ripping those tiny cloth squares off of that young man's uniform was the hardest thing I've had to do as a leader yet.

I'm responsible for these men's lives and deaths. Because they fall under my command they become my responsibility. Because they have to do what I say, when I say it, no questions asked, every decision I make affects them. In one month we will be entering a war zone. And the most frightening thought that I can fathom, beyond thought for my own life or even taking the life of another human being; beyond whatever changes I might undergo and whatever person I might become through the trials ahead, is that one of these might lose their life because they were carrying out one of my orders. God save any of us from such a day.

Walking in a winter wonderland

Winter has come to Fort Drum, New York. It comes, as usual well before the official start date and with a vengeance. The two days prior to the pictures you see below my platoon was outside from sun up in negative twenty degree weather to sundown when we topped off at about seven degrees. WE made the most of it. The pictures you see below are mostly from our mandatory fun day at a ski park not far from base. I neither skied nor snow boarded, as winter sports mostly don't seem to tickle my fancy. BUt I got some great shots. If you play your cards right then someday one of you readers might even be the one who convinces me to go ice skating for the first time. Any takers?

winter is my least favorite season, but it has its moments, you should have been here to share it with me 

nice 

this jump was just murdering people. luckily I was there to capture it 

you should have seen this guy land, it was awesome : ) 

we have no idea why he's wearing a backpack 

HAHA this is one of my squad leaders after he wiped out 

Sergeant Pulver fell 

this is tubing, I didn't do that either, maybe some of you are starting to think me unadventuresome 

this is outside my window, it's cold, but it looks nice 

Thanksgiving, everybody.

Thanksgiving.

Man I guess it's been a while and so much has happened that I can barely remember it all. But to stay in the moment I suppose I should talk about my Thankgiving adventures. I went down to Virginia to visit my dad and that side of my family. My squad leader was kind enough to offer me a spot in his truck to go down south so I rode with him and his wife and their two year old daughter, Isabel, who is fantastic. She was totally my riding buddy on the way down. I don't mind telling you that we hit it off. Thanksgiving!

So for at least a couple of days I got to spend a little time with my father. I love hanging out with my dad, not least of all because the chance comes along so seldom. So we played cards and I played video games with my younger brothers and sister and we ate turkey and went to one of my dad's high school's football games where my toes froze as I stood on top of the press box. Good times were had by all. I didn't see Harry Potter, much to my chagrin but that's the only bad thing that could be said about the weekend. THanksgiving!

So that's how things went in a nut shell. Pictures have been added for your enjoyment below.

John  

THis is John, I think he's pretty funny 

This is David, Abby, and John from left to right. My younger siblings. 

this is my little sister Abby 

here's me an my dad in front of the christmas tree while I have a really stupid look on my face. I'm not standing on a step or anything, he's really that short.  

Today's revelation

I found out that Girls in other parts of the world actually are attracted to military guys. By other parts of the world, I mean other than within a 50 mile radius of here. Research into this phenomenon continues.

Fix You

It's interesting, for lack of a more interesting word, what issues arise in one's mind after any random occurence during any given day. Let me first say, so as to keep this at least somewhat light, that I've always taken intense enjoyment from 'the random'. As a side note I suppose we may one day discover that what we saw as random and chaotic may have, in fact, been exactly what was always meant to happen. I digress.

The issue in my mind, after today's particular piece of serendipity, is that of contentment. Satisfaction, if you will. And of how far those two things seem, in my mind, from actual happiness. I suppose myself content at this time in my life. All my needs are being met. I have tons of job security, plenty of expendable income (which I save most of believe it or not), free food, free lodging, friends (albeit distant ones). So this is good. I would liken the word contentment to the word survival. I've got the basics, after all.

There is, and always has been, something very restless inside me that simply wants more. I think a part of me wants to be insanely happy but perhaps, for however long, I've just ignored that and contented myself with being content. Why? It's easier. Sad is so much easier than happy. Happy takes work. . . . and it's scary. Gives you that feeling like you have something to lose, like you're vulnerable. I've never been especially good with that.

So that's your confession for the night/ milennium. I'm not vulnerable enough for happy. Don't worry I'm not having any kind of even mild depression or anything so don't call anyone (unless you want to call me of course). OK, that's all. I like you guys.

After a long month in the field with virtually no time off we return home at the end of a 25 mile road march. Sort of a grand finale. Incidentally that's further than a lot of you might drive in a day or two. SO here I am, weight down from not lifting and not eating enough. I did more this last week between the hours of midnight and 8 than most people do all day. Sometimes I really like the army and below you can see some pictures to prove it. Sort of makes you want to talk to me more, right?

and here it is, hopefully there will be a better one soon to come 

and this ladies and gentlemen is what it's all about. THis is my surrogate family and the group of guys I trust my life to. I'm smack dab in the middle with the shot gun in one hand and a rifle in the other.  

so I'm not sure about the expression on my face but this is me and the other team leader in my squad after chow out in the field this last week 

the memorial angle 1 

the memorial again 

road trips: a lost art

Two great friends of mine, Lauren and Megan, came to visit me over Labor Day weekend. They drove like 11 hours to see me and were turned away from the first gate they tried to enter because an alleged explosive device had been delivered there. At this time Lauren and Megan are not suspected to have been involved in this incident but investigations are still in progress. Seriously though, I love them for coming up here to see me. YOu can see a few of the pictures from the weekend below.

contrary to what this may look like, I am not in danger of being run over by this tank as it is stationary and has been out of order for some 50 years or so 

yea, ummmmm we were real bored and I apparently wasn't allowed to take a nap so furniture jumping was the best we could come up with 

she's a goofball 

if you look closely at this one, you'll see that the expression on my face is one of curious pensivity 

Many THings

I'm in Cleveland, at the home of my best friend Michael. We've done many things during my stay here. I went to Cedar Point, best amusement park EVER and have met some excellent new people and while it's quite possible that I'll never talk to any of them again, I still liked them a lot. Probably the best thing about having been able to spend this time here is that I felt somewhat normal again. Having normal interactions with people that care about things, except that I suppose that's not really normal, it's just what I've always had in my life.

I can't imagine starting a conversation about Harry Potter with one of the guys up on Post and having them immediately respond with any enthusiasm. It's a sad state of affairs, indeed. And I certainnly can't imagine being able to say any of the things to any of them that I readily say to my best friend without a second thought. I must remember to find an outlet for some of that stuff more than once a year. That's all for now I suppose. I'll come up with something profound and witty when I get back up to New York.

Oh and whoever said that women love a man in uniform is full of crap!

It took us like an hour to take this picture 

Was Down in Cinci for a wedding. Check out the pictures.

And here's the lovely couple, congratulations. I love you guys.