Fix You

It's interesting, for lack of a more interesting word, what issues arise in one's mind after any random occurence during any given day. Let me first say, so as to keep this at least somewhat light, that I've always taken intense enjoyment from 'the random'. As a side note I suppose we may one day discover that what we saw as random and chaotic may have, in fact, been exactly what was always meant to happen. I digress.

The issue in my mind, after today's particular piece of serendipity, is that of contentment. Satisfaction, if you will. And of how far those two things seem, in my mind, from actual happiness. I suppose myself content at this time in my life. All my needs are being met. I have tons of job security, plenty of expendable income (which I save most of believe it or not), free food, free lodging, friends (albeit distant ones). So this is good. I would liken the word contentment to the word survival. I've got the basics, after all.

There is, and always has been, something very restless inside me that simply wants more. I think a part of me wants to be insanely happy but perhaps, for however long, I've just ignored that and contented myself with being content. Why? It's easier. Sad is so much easier than happy. Happy takes work. . . . and it's scary. Gives you that feeling like you have something to lose, like you're vulnerable. I've never been especially good with that.

So that's your confession for the night/ milennium. I'm not vulnerable enough for happy. Don't worry I'm not having any kind of even mild depression or anything so don't call anyone (unless you want to call me of course). OK, that's all. I like you guys.